شرایط ازدواج

پرسش : من تقریبا سه سال و نیم قبل با پسری در آموزشگاه موسیقی آشنا شدم. اون موقع من ترم چهار دانشگاه و ایشون سال آخر دانشگاه بودن. خیلی زود خواستند باهم بیرون بریم و اصرار زیادی برای بیشتر آشنا شدن داشتن. من ولی هیچوقت به ازدواج به این زودی فکر نمیکردم و ایشون رو هم فرد ایده آل خودم نمیدیدم. خیلی پسر خوبی بنظر میرسید ولی دلایل من این بود که مثلا من خیلی اهل کتاب و فیلم و مطالعه بودم ولی ایشون بیشتر اهل تفریح بنظر میرسیدند و بیش از اندازه میخندیدند. خلاصه بااصرارهای بیش از حد ایشون و با وجودی که من بارها با قاطعیت گفتم که علاقه ای به ارتباط باهاشون ندارم بالاخره ارتباط دوستی ما شروع شد از همون اوایل میگفت میخواد برای خواستگاری بیاد ولی من میگفتم خیلی زوده و خیلی مواقع بخاطر همین موضوع باهم حرفمون میشد. من گاهی اوقات احساس کمبودهایی توی رابطه میکردم مثلا دوست داشتم برام شعر بخونه ولی کم کم منم علاقه ام بیشتر و بیشتر شد و اینکه ما تقریبا هرروز باهم بودیم و خیلی زیاد بهم محبت میکرد و دوستم داشت. خیلی تفریح میکردیم و خلاصه همه چیز خوب بود. با تشویقهای من خیلی پیشرفت کرد و بااینکه دانشگاه آزاد درس میخوند فوق لیسانس دانشگاه تهران قبول شد. تنها موضوعی که اواخر باهم بحثمون میشد این بود که من احساس میکردم با دخترهای دانشگاه سنگین برخورد نمیکنه و همه اش بهش میگفتم.موضوع خاصی ندیده بودم و شاید حساسیتم بی دلیل بود ولی سعی نمیکرد آرومم کنه و همه اش میگفت تو خیلی حساس و شکاکی. غیر از این موضوع مسئله دیگه ای نبود تا اینکه نزدیک عید که تقریبا سه سالی از ارتباط ما میگذشت بالاخره برای خواستگاری مخالفتی نکردم و اومدن خواستگاری. شب که از منزل ما رفتند بهم گفت مادر و پدرش شدیدا مخالفند و کاش اینطور نمیشد. من خیلی تعجب کردم. چون دلیل مخالفتشون این بود که سطح خانواده ها باهم فرق میکنه ولی من خودم همون اول این تمام این حرفها رو بعنوان دلایل مخالفتم بهش گفته بودم و اون گفته بود مشکلی پیش نمیاد. حتی یک بار مادرش من رو دیده بود ولی هیچ مخالفتی ابراز نکرد. نمیدونم چی شد که همه اش از من دور تر میشد و مادرش اجازه نمیداد باهم صحبت کنیم. تا اینکه یک روز گفت با دختر دیگری آشنا شده و بهتره ادامه ندیم گفت خودت میدونی من چه حسی بهت دارم ولی نمیشه. و دوماه بعد با اون دختر نامزد کرد. الان دوماه از نامزدی ایشون میگذره ولی من کاملا گیجم. نمیفهمم اون همه عشق و علاقه چی شد. اون خودش با اصرار خودش وارد زندگی من شد و وقتی من کاملا دلبسته شدم از زندگیم بیرون رفت حتی وقتی از زندگیم بیرون رفت میگفت بهم علاقه داره ولی میترسه. بهم میگفت من هنوزم دوستت دارم ولی تو اذیتم میکردی وقتی پرسیدم چه اذیتی و چرا این مدت چیزی نگفتی گفت مثلا اینکه من برات همه چیز میخریدم و یا همه چیز رو من حساب میکردم ولی من فکر میکردم خودش دوست داره و چون درآمد هم داشت-کنار پدرش توی شرکت کار میکرد- هیچوقت فکر نمیکردم دوست نداره یا اذیت میشه. همه اش با خودم فکر میکنم تقصیر من بود، تقصیر اون بود یا چی باعث شد اینطور بشه. خیلی به گذشته فکر میکنم و از همه بدتر وقتیه که یاد محبتها و مهربونیهاش میفتم. یاد اینکه هرچی میگفتم میگفت چشم.اگه بهم اینقدر مهربونی نمیکرد الان خیلی راحتتر فراموشش میکردم. واقعا نمیدونم چطور خودم رو آروم کنم. از یک چیز هم خیلی میترسم اون هم اینه که کسی پیدا نخواهد شد که من رو اونقدر که اون دوست داشت دوست داشته باشه. چون الان نامزد یا خواستگارهای دوستام رو میبینم که چطور باهاشون رفتار میکنند. واقعا اون مثل یک شاهزاده با من رفتار میکرد. نمیدونم چی شد. مادرش مقصر بود یا خودمون. چرا با من اینطور کرد. میدونم نباید به گذشته و مقصر پیدا کردن فکر کنم ولی آروم نمیشم همه اش میخوام بدونم چی شد.
پاسخ

پاسخ : وقتی قصد ازدواج در میان می باشد باید در اسرع وقت و وقبل از اینکه رابطه احساسی شود ملاکها و شرایط طرفین بررسی شود و انتخاب برای ازدواج قطعیت یابد. اگر انتخاب برای ازدواج قطعی شد رابطه هر چه زودتر باید جنبه رسمی پیدا کند و اگر انتخاب برای ازدواج مناسب نبود بهتر قطع رابطه می باشد. شما از همان اول هم شرایط ازدواج با هم را نداشته اید و علیرغم علم و اطلاع رابطه خود را به دوستی کشانده اید و وابستگی عاطفی در شما ایجاد شده است. خانواده اقا بعد از خواستگاری و دیدن خانواده شما متوجه تفاوتهایی که از ابتدا بوده شده اند و با منطق پسر خود را قانع کرده اند که ازدواج وی با شما سرانجام روشنی ندارد لذا پسر که وابستگی احساسی کمی داشته است موضوع را پذیرفته و از شما فاصله گرفته است ولی شما چون کاملا وابسته و دلبسته او شده بودید تحمل این جدایی را نداشتید و همین مساله باعث ناراحتی شما شده است. حق دارید چنین احساسی داشته باشید چون شما انتظار چنین جدایی را نداشته اید و چنین احساسی بعد از چنین جدایی طبیعی است و گذر زمان کمک خواهد کرد تا مشکل شما حل شود و بتوانید با احساس خود کنار بیایید. شما برای اینکه راحت تر بتوانید با احساسات خود کنار بیایید می توانید بصورت حضوری جهت مشاوره مراجعه نمایید.

 

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        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